January 31 - These are the droids you're looking for...

For the last activity of my 31 day effort to become a better parent, I decided to build something with Elliot.  And that something was an R2D2 that he can pilot with either my phone or by using the Force (where were toys like this when I was growing up...)

It's called a littleBits kit, and it was very easy to assemble.  So easy that even though the box said 8+, this cheeseball helped out quite a bit...

Together, we went through the assembly process...

...and after we connected all of the servos, this was the result...

We still need to decorate him, but I'd call this one a success.


Good Listening...

My intention with this month's blog was to do something each day that would help Elizabeth and I become better parents.  But at the end of these 31 days, I've realized that we've only scratched the surface with this.

Will taking your kids to science centers and museums make you an awesome parent? Most definitely. Will learning to cut their hair make you a better parent?  I'm sure it will. Will talking with others to gain different perspectives help you in the long run?  I have no doubt.  Does building an R2D2 mean that you're kid will grow up to do amazing things?  I sure hope so! But that almost implies that there's a road map to this whole parenting thing when there certainly is not.

There's not a "Do this series of things and voila, you're a better parent" program out there, and if there is and you've paid for it, go get your money back right away because you've been had.  We're all just doing the best we can at this every day.  And the common theme I found in all of the things we did this month comes down to "good listening..."

That's a phrase Elizabeth and I use quite a lot when talking to Elliot.  We try to encourage his good behavior by framing it around the idea of him listening to us (we'll do the same for Eleanor when she gets moving).  "Use your listening ears," we'll tell him, and that usually gets him to complete the task that we've asked him to do. When he does something correctly or when he is at least in the ballpark, we'll say "Good listening!" in an attempt to have him recreate that desired behavior.

"Good listening" extends beyond how we talk to Elliot.  I made coffee for Elizabeth on Wednesday morning, something I don't always get a chance to do. She said how she appreciated it, and that waking up to coffee on a weekday was a great way to start her day.  I had my listening ears on for that one, and this morning, I made sure she had coffee waiting for her when she got up. Elizabeth will do the same kind of thing for me.  She'll pick up on little cues that tell her I need a back rub or a glass of wine. She'll use her listening ears to make sure she's there for me and there for the kids.

I know the difference between Eleanor's "wet diaper cry" and her "I'm hungry, feed me Seymour!" cry.  Elizabeth can pick Elliot's voice out of a crowded party.  It's something that all good parents can do, and it happens when we stop focusing on ourselves and start listening for the needs of others.

We're not always perfect with this whole parenting thing, and the same can be said for every parent in every kind of situation out there.  There are days where we only hear what we want to hear, days when what our partners or our children are saying gets lost in translation.  There are days where we all fall short of the promise that we inherently made to our offspring, the one that charged us with creating a better life for them than the one we had.

It's such a noisy world out there, and instead of using our listening ears, we often just add to the noise.

If nothing else, this month of interviews and activities taught me to be more present in my present. To use my listening ears more. To not beat ourselves up when we aren't the parents we hoped we would be. To revel in the moments when we are.  To be more appreciative of the days I spend with my friends and my family and my Elizabeth and my Elliot and my Eleanor.

I lack the imagination to have imagined this life.  These certainly are the droids that I was looking for.

January 30 - An Interview with Jason and Jenna

The last interview of the Parenthood Month took place on Tuesday night.  It was with a couple that I've known since college, and it's a couple that has had a parenting experience vastly different than the one Elizabeth and I have had.

Jason and Jenna met at the University of Maine at Farmington while I was attending there as well.  Jenna was in many of my education classes, while Jason ended up being my roommate senior year.  We were at the bar one night, and I remember I teased Jenna about something or other (I did that a lot with her), and when she left, Jason reached over and grabbed my arm.  "Don't make fun of her, I'm going to marry that girl!"

And then a few years later that's just what happened. Jason and Jenna are celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary this year.


Was having kids something that you always wanted?

Jenna: We had our names picked out when we were engaged.  We always wanted kids.  We also, before we were married, were familiar with the foster system and thought it'd be something we would do later on in life.  Jason's aunt and uncle were foster parents, and we thought that was really great.

Jason: We thought older kids were what we would do if we did end up fostering. If we had an opportunity to help through fostering we would do that, but we thought we would have our own before that.



Tell me about how the girls came into your life.

Jenna: We tried a lot of different methods to get pregnant. And we even looked into private infant adoption too, but we couldn't afford that.  So after 6 years of it not working out with us having our own, that timeline kind of sped up.  We were actually we were driving to your wedding, and we finally had that conversation about it.

We moved back to Rumford and we thought let's move up our foster plans.  Two weeks before we finished the foster course, they called us up with the triplets.

Jason: It was a Monday, and we got the call that morning that said it might be a possibility, they had an urgent placement.  I had to come home at lunch so we could talk to our case worker and his supervisor because we weren't licensed yet, and we had to get special approval to do this.  At 5pm on Monday, September 28th, they called and said they're coming to you.

Jenna: They were discharged right into our care.  They'd been in the NICU before that.

Jason:  They were 5 weeks old.  They've pretty much they have been here from the get go. It was 10:30 at night and there were three state workers and three car seats.  They gave us some diapers, some formula, and they said we'll call you tomorrow and see if this is still something you want to do. And that was it, we went from 0 to 3 in a matter of hours.

Jenna: It was a really intensive interview process for foster care.  They needed our financials, home studies, all of that.  But it all worked out and I think we're doing ok.



What was the fostering process like?

Jason: It was weird...it's one of those things that as a foster parent, you'll want to treat these kids like your own but you have no say in whatever comes down the pike.

Jenna: We couldn't get their hair cut without the state's permission.

Jason: And if there is a visitation scheduled with the family, not matter what, no matter if there's a giant snow storm, you have to make that happen.

Jenna: That was emotionally stressful for us, but not really for the girls.  Which is a good thing so hopefully their won't be anything residual with them.



After two and a half years of visitations and paper work and appointments and legal wrangling, Danielle, Lilac,  and Isabelle were adopted by Jason and Jenna.

Jenna: That's their birth order too.  We kept their birth names, but came up with their middle names..



What did it feel like once they were finally yours?

Jason: When we went to court for the adoption, I was on the stand and the attorney asked what it's like.  I told him "It's like playing zone defense all the time."

Jenna: It took 10 months after the parental rights were terminated for the adoption to become finalized.  It was a lot of wait and see, and wait and see. Which was tough, because as soon as you look at them you can't imagine living without them.

It didn't feel real when they were finally ours.  I would just break down with this release of emotions. I really grieved for the biological family.  You see it in their face, their best effort just wasn't good enough.  It was just a relief that they are ours now, but I couldn't imagine losing them the way that they lost them.  It took months for it to finally sink in.

Jason: It was a relief.  Not that we weren't doing thing our way, but now we didn't need permission.



What is the most rewarding thing about being a parent

Jenna: Watching them learn, they're all the same age and it's a great example of nature vs nuture, because they could have a lot of issues.  We were blessed that for whatever reason they're healthy, they're smart, they're funny. I think potty training might kill me, but it's so amazing to watch them play together.  They don't get along all the time, but it's so great to see them interact.

Jason: It's so amazing how different they are.  They have been brought up the same way, but Lilac can sit by herself and read a book.  And Danielle and Isabelle will be running around and going nuts. The three girls are on different schedules and different development stages, so they always keep us guessing.

Jenna: And they're just little sponges!  If you ask them "What does Mommy say sometimes?" they'll all go "Oh My GOSH!"  or  "I'm FRUS-TRA-TED!"



Jenna is home with the girls, but she has an "all hands on deck" situation with family members coming in to help.

Jenna: Breaking up fights is the biggest part of my day. They all have babydolls and they stroll them around.



How's potty training going?

Jenna: The other day they were playing bumper car potties.

Jason:  Only one of them gets it right now.  The other two are just very vocal cheerleaders.



How do you make this all work?

Jenna:  It's been helpful when I am so overwhelmed to verbally say out loud "I need a break," I admit to myself that I need help. And usually that is all it takes. It's hard to say I have had enough, but it's ok to say that I need time to myself.

Social media is the highlight reel of life, you only see the good stuff.  So I have been trying to be a little bit more realistic, and I am happier for it to letting that go. They wake up and say "Hi Momma" and that's what makes worth it.

You have to take time for each other too and we forget that sometimes, but the girls remind us of it. Jason was leaving for work the other day and the girls made sure we kissed goodbye too.

Jason: Having a partner is the biggest thing for me.  Having that support, and being able to tag out.



We're both raising women...and y'all are actually raising three.  What's that like for you in today's climate?

Jason: For me, you can see it in the evolution of the princess.  Cinderella didn't get talked to at the party, the Prince just saw her and that was it and being pretty was all she needed.  Ariel was beautiful but didn't talk, Sleeping Beauty needed saving.   But now you have all these Moanas and the girls in Frozen and they're strong.   It's nice to see that happening.  I want to raise them so they're strong and compassionate. I want them to know that I'll always support them and that they don't have to be afraid to take risks.

Jenna: It's horrible to say, but I don't know how much is going to change with all of this.  So I want them to prepare them. I want them to realize their dreams.  I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom but I have dreams too. I don't want them to see me and see that's the only thing they can do. You can be more than one thing.  I don't want them to think that I don't want this or that it's holding me back from doing other things. I want to show them that a woman can be both.



Any last words of wisdom?

Jenna: Everything is going to be fine.  I think everyone is their own worst critic. There are days where I am defeated.  And the next morning they want to be with you.  So don't beat yourself up. In the grand scheme you're doing your best.

Jason: I don't know how people do one.  I don't know what one is like.  People say "You're doing three, how d you do that?"  That's just what we had to do.

Jenna: I stayed home with one of them the other day, and that quietness...I just kept looking at her and thinking "Ok now what? What do you want do to?"  It was just weird.



Talking with Jason and Jenna on Tuesday night was a lot of fun.  Jenna mentioned how it was great that old friends could reconnect like no time had passed, and I totally agree with her.  I don't know how they manage three, but from the pictures I've seen, it looks like they've taken on this adventure head on and are able to find the humor in even the darkest of days.

They were wonderful people when I knew them in college, and they are wonderful parents now that the triplets came into their lives.  I'm hoping to get the chance to meet Danielle, Lilac, and Isabelle soon.  When I do, I'll be sure to let them know how lucky they are to have Jenna and Jason as their mom and dad.

January 29th - Our Little Owl

My mom and dad are incredibly crafty people.  Mom's made quilts and clothes and pajamas for me and my brother and now for Elliot and Eleanor.  She's now made Superman capes for myself and for Elliot (I suspect a Super Eleanor cape is not far behind. Dad's carved ducks and built miniature wooden boats and has gotten into painting.  At the rehearsal dinner before our wedding, Dad presented my groomsmen with an comic book cover of someone that fit their personalities or interests.  Here's what he came up with:

Unfortunately for me, I didn't get those painting talents, nor have I found the time to practice them all that much.  However, after we saw how excited Elliot got around the "op-i-tus" at the aquarium, I tried my hand at something that could go up in his room:

That's an octopus if you couldn't tell, and it's painted on a page from Jules Verne's 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.  Specifically, it's the page where the Nautilus is attacked for the first time by the giant octopuses (some people describe it as a giant squid...read the book, folks, it says "pouples" and that's French for "octopus").

Eleanor is too little to have the same kind of specific excitement that Elliot does about animals.  At this point, shes just wide eyed about everything.  But she does make these little "hooting" noises a lot, to the point where we have referred to her as an owl.

On Monday, I wanted to do something for Eleanor that mirrored the painting I had done for Eleanor. First, I gathered my materials...

Then I put my stencil and the page of the book I was going to be painting on up to a window so the light would shine through it (I made a copy of the page because I couldn't bring myself to tear one out of this particular book)....

Then I started painting...

And this was the result...

In case you were wondering, I painted the owl on page 81 of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling.  That's the page where Hagrid buys Harry his owl, Hedwig (although we don't know her name at this point).  It's the first time Harry meet the owl, a character that will follow him throughout the series.  I thought that this a fitting canvas for my owl painting.

I'm going to put this up in Eleanor's room after I get a better frame for it.  I thought it turned out pretty well for someone with very little practice at all this.  I hope to get more opportunities to do things like this, and I'm excited to have the kiddos participate as well.  Hopefully talent skips a generation.

January 28 - A Podcast with Michael

Our ride home from Gastonia on Sunday was a chance for me to do something a little different from the other interviews that I have conducted this month: I called in to a podcast.

I first met Michael when he started working as a Success Coach here at High Point University. We've also run into him, along with his wife Darah, at a Christmas party that we go to each year at a mutual friend's home.  It was at the most recent of these parties that we started talking about being fathers. I told Michael that I was planning on doing my annual blog on the topic of parenthood, and he told me that he actually did a podcast on the very same topic.  We agreed to participate in each other's projects.

Michael's podcast is called "Daily Dad," and our episode should be up and running soon.  In the meantime, this is what we talked about!



What made you want to start up a podcast?

Michael:  I wanted to see what people our age thought about parenting.  Can you name a TV show that has parents with infants?

Me: No, it's always skips ahead to when the kids are talking (probably for story reasons).

Michael: Exactly.  So this is looking at that period of time that hasn't really been represented.



Michael: How would you describe your birth story?

Me: It was very different for each of the kids.  Elliot was 10 days late and came after 25 hours of labor.  We had wanted to try for a water birth at first...

Michael: ...I've been hearing about that more and more, what made you want to do that?

Me: We had heard that it was easier on the baby and that it was relaxing for the mother.  Also, Women's Hospital in Greensboro had rooms large enough where we could do it.  But Elliot was face up and pressing on Elizabeth's spine.  So the benefits of the relaxing tub were thrown out the window.

We had a c-section in the end.  It was exhausting because Elizabeth had been in labor for so long and then we had Elliot.  With Eleanor, we opted to have a scheduled c-section in the morning, and it's amazing what a difference that was.  We got to have a good night's sleep and then wake up and have her! (I say "we" when really I was just a very interested bystander, Elizabeth did all the work!)



How about yours?

Michael:  My wife, Darah, was scheduled to be induced. I wasn't expecting to have to wait so long with it though, I thought getting induced meant that things happened quickly after that.  And we ended up having a c-section as well.

I just remember being in the room while they were prepping Darah and it came on suddenly that this was happening.  I had to take a step back and get my mind right about that. And I was really surprised they let me bring my phone and camera in.  The doctors at one point asked me if I wanted to get my camera out and it was something I hadn't even thought of.  They were more concerned with making sure I got a good picture than I was!



Michael and his wife have a 10 month old daughter named Artis Ray.

Me: How did you come up with her name?

Michael: We didn’t know the sex of the baby, so we had they picked two names, one for each sex. But when the doctor showed her to me for the first time I didn't really process what I was looking at. And then I realized what it was and that I was looking at my daughter.  And I just remember telling Darah, who hadn't seen her yet, "Hey, it's Artis Ray."

Michael: What's been the biggest change for you?  Or the habit that you've picked up that's different now that you have kids?

Me: I mean, being a parent is a change in every sense of the word.  It's not a good change or a bad change, it's just a change.  I mentioned this in an earlier blog post, but I don't have the vocabulary to accurately describe the joy I feel by being a dad.  That joy has probably been the biggest change, just being appreciative of every day. How about you?

Michael:  All of the sudden it’s like nothing else is important in that moment. The biggest change has been that it’s made me more present. Artis Ray lives her life without worrying about what others think and her, and I often want that kind of freedom.

I always think to myself "WWJD." And by that I mean "What Would Jack Do?" from This Is Us. How do I show up for Artis Ray and Darah and my job and everything so I have uninterrupted time with my family?




Was having kids something that you always wanted?

Michael:  Being parents wasn't always in the cards for us. For a while we were content with being the best uncles and aunts.  The cool couple that nieces and nephews would visit at a lake house or an awesome apartment and then go back home to their parents.

And then life happens and we were both at a point that we were ok with the idea of having children. We had to grow up a little bit and stop being twenty-something.  That idea that  “I have too much going on to have a kid."  I needed to get over that belief that I was too busy for that part of life.

With that said, I did always see myself as being somebody’s dad. And it’s amazing that I’m Artis Ray's dad, because she’s what I imagined when I thought of who I'd be a dad for.

Michael: What do you want to be different in the world when your kids are older?

Me: I'd like for us to have figured out that we're killing the planet and by that time we've done things to stop it.  But I'd also like to see reason and rationality come back to discourse.  I feel like we're so divided now that you can't have a conversation with someone you disagree with without it blowing up into something heated.  What about you?

Michael: I want folks to be a little more autonomous in their lives. It’s interesting that we have conversations about how Facebook can be twisted to push an election, that social media is such a driving force in our lives.  I want people to be a little more thoughtful and more independent.

We're living in a divisive time, but it's one where women are having a moment of empowerment and the pendulum is definitely swinging in a positive direction.  What is is like for you to be raising a woman, and a woman of color at that?

Michael: I have this feeling about Artis Ray already that she’ll be able to do anything she wants to do in the world. When we were having a baby, and even before that, I always wanted to have a daughter first. In a society where they have pressure put on them to be a certain way, I was lucky to have Darah that she could luck up to.

It’s given a me different perspective on things.  I’m more interested in the world that I’m helping to build for Artis Ray. I've started reading more, and I want to travel and let her experience things.  But I also want to take time to just pause.  It’s not all about making sure she’s challenged. It’s also about just being there for her.

What's been the most surprising thing for you about being a dad?

Michael: How easy it was to let go of my ego. I appreciate the time I get to spend with her early in the morning. If she needs something it’s not about me. And it’s helped me see how people communicate.

Michael: What was your favorite book or story that you were excited to read to your kids?  Like, what's the one where they pick it out you get excited about reading it?

Me: My favorite children's book has always been Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel, by Virginia Lee.  So when he asks for that one or points that out, it's special to read that to him.

Michael: Any advice you’d give to first time parents, or parents that are relatively new at this and are thinking about having another one?

Me (with some help from Elizabeth who heard the question and chimed in while she was driving): Appreciate every day because they go by so quickly.  We don't know where the last two and a half years went with Elliot, or the last four months went with Eleanor.  Find the joy in every day, because even on the crappy days, it's there.  And that's what lets you get through the darker times.

Oh, and buy a nose frida! Those things are great!



The conversation with Michael was easy and fun and insightful.  I had a great time being a guest on his podcast (a first for me), and I'm excited to listen to it when it airs.  I think the best thing about our conversation was hearing from another dad that's going through the same experience that I am, and being able to talk to him about it. His outlook on being a father is very similar to my own, and having that kind of affirmation from someone that I think is doing a great job as a parent is comforting.

We left the podcast/interview by saying that we hoped we would run into each other before the next Christmas party, and I truly hope that we do.  I'd like for Elliot and Eleanor to meet Artis Ray.  From our brief interactions, I can tell that she's got a couple of great parents in her c

January 27 - An Interview with Charlie

I've been beyond fortunate to have married my wife, Elizabeth.  Now, I won't bore you with the sappy details or dwell on the fact that every day brings with it another reason to be thankful that she said yes.  But one of the big reasons are the people we got to see on on Saturday, her "second family," the Saunders.

Consisting of Charles and Sarah and their four children (David, Charlie, CJ, and John Sharpe), the Saunders family have been incredibly loving and gracious to us over the years.  CJ is Elizabeth's best friend and was her matron of honor in the wedding.  She's also Elliot's godmother, and we love every chance that we get to see her and the rest of her amazing family.

They're all wonderful people, but it was Charlie that I wanted to specifically talk to when we visited, and that's because of the year that she has gone through with her boys, Ian and John Theron.

How did you and your husband (Ward) meet?

Charlie: I met ward at UNCW. Ward and my friend's boyfriend, Trevor, were good friends. And through that that relationship, Ward came into the picture. And it just became the four of us, we just did everything together.

Ward was pretty quiet if you didn’t know him. and so am I, we were kind of wallflowers. So it took awhile for things to get going.  We started dating in 2000, our first date was going out to lunch together.  And we got married in 2005. Ian was born in 2007 and JT was born in 2010.

How did you come up with their names?

Charlie: Ian is named after Ward, who's Julian Ward Godwin III. And he knew that his first son was going to be the fourth.  I thought, "Ok, but what are we gonna call him?"  And I was staring at the name and the last three letters popped up at me, so I thought "Ian, we'll call him Ian."  And Ward thought that was great.

JT came from that with my dad's name.  He goes by Charles but his first name is John, and I've always liked that name.  Theron came from a Star Wars novel that Ward was reading (Ward was a HUGE Star Wars fan).  I was a little skeptical because of that, but I did some research and it has a Greek background, it means hunter in Greek. And I thought "Ward is Greek and a hunter" and it all made sense.

What has been the most rewarding thing about being a parent?

Charlie: That first month was hard. Ward was working third shift so I was home alone a lot. Right at that month mark something clicked. I was still trying to wrap my head around all of this, and Ian grinned and that’s when I knew we could make this work. That was the moment that I felt like a mom.

What has been the most frustrating thing about being a parent?

Charlie: For me, it’s myself. My reaction to some of the things that they do. How do I say it...taking it a step further than I should have. Why did I go to yelling right away? Whatever behavior they have, my reaction will impact them down the line, and I have to remind myself of that and question why I react certain ways.

What was it like the first time you held them?

Charlie: Weird (we both laugh at this).  Ian was the first so especially with him, it was just weird.  I kept thinking "This is real...holy mackerel!" And just the anxiety that came with it.  Holding JT was easier, I could appreciate it more.

What's something that you'd like to pass along from your parents?

Charlie: Dad always wanted us to do what we wanted to do.  That meant staying far away from the family business if we didn't want to be a part of that.  He wanted us to be happy and to follow our dreams, and I want the boys to have that environment too.

My mom always instilled in us the need to look out for yourself and prepare for not being helped. As a woman, you don’t expect extra help, you need to find strength from within. She taught me how to take care of myself. Being strong, I want to pass that along to the boys.

Now going through being a single mom, I’ve have to rely on that.

As I mentioned at the start, this year has been a hard one to say the least for Charlie and her boys and her family.  On March 15, 2017, their "one man brute squad" passed away.  Ward was 38 years old.

I was honored last year to have been asked to officiate Ward's service, because he was an easy person to admire.  Ward was a giant of a man, with an even larger heart. and he was a bit of a nerd, particularly with Star Wars. And I don't mean that as a slight against him.  In fact, I've heard it said that being a nerd is actually just about loving the things that you love in an all-encompassing, all-consuming and passionate way.  And in that regard, Ward wasn't just a Star Wars nerd, he was also a nerd for his children and for his wife.

So you're a single mom now...

Charlie: Yes, March 15th is when he died, so we're coming up on a year with this.  And I don’t really have a choice with it.  People ask me all the time, "How do you get up in the morning?" Because of the kids. You just do it. Some days are easier than others. Some days hit you like a ton of bricks.

Ward was an amazing dad. Every bit about this sucks and that they are here without him sucks the most. But knowing the kind of dad he was inspires me to be the mom I am. Knowing him made me a better mom.

I’m starting to pick up behaviors that will trigger something in the boys.  I mean, they're boys, they're kids, and the day after Ward they were in their room laughing and playing.  But I can see when something is on the horizon, or I know now what might trigger a memory or set them off.  And instead of trying to hide from that or ignore it, I say "Let’s try to enjoy this like dad would have enjoyed it. Let’s find the joy in it."  

And then I think "What are you going to be like with a teenager?!" and that just freaks me out!

What do you regret that he won’t see the most?

Charlie: So far it's been this whole year of firsts that have been really hard to take.  Their first bike ride, losing their first tooth, little things like that. And every time that happens, it’s like "Man, he missed that too."  And there's all these bigger moments coming up.  First kisses, first loves.  Ian is going to sleep away camp for the first time soon.  And graduations and weddings (if that's something they want).  All of that.

I still feel him around somewhere though.  Ian had surgery and when he came out of it he said "I saw my dad."  And he hadn’t told me that before, he hadn't said something like that to me before.  So that just makes me think that yeah, somewhere, Ward's still with us.

Has there been anything in particular that you've tried to do to help the kids with all of this?

Charlie: We talk about him a lot and any time they bring him up I try to let it happen and not ignore it or get sad about it. I want to be there in the moment instead of bypassing the conversation.  Their feelings are real. Kids are resilient but they have deep feelings and those feelings are valid. And I’ve been trying to let them work through it.

There have been times where I do just need a moment, and life is chaotic. But when they bring him up it’s time to just turn all that off and focus on them and what they're going through.  I try to be what Ward would have been or what we would have been together.

Any last words of advice or wisdom?

Charlie: I still don’t know how I’m doing! Each day is a new day and the kids are so different.  But the biggest things is to just be present.

Talking with Charlie on Saturday night made me want to hold my own family a little closer, and it made me appreciate what we have.  I can't imagine going through what Charlie has over the last year, and I can't fully comprehend all that she has lost. 

However, I do know that she hasn't lost her positive outlook or her desire to be the best mom she can be for her two boys.  And her family, those wonderful Saunders, have been nothing but supportive through all of this.  Because of them, and because of Charlie, Ian and John Theron may grow up without having their dad around them every day, but they will still be surrounded by the love he had for them.

January 26 - Dress Up Night

I used to play dress up...a lot.  I was, on random days in my childhood...

A cowboy...

...a soldier...

...and a Kryptonian on extended vacation...

Throw in a construction worker and a cop costume and I was the Village People.

Dressing up in different costumes when I was a kid was a way to get the imaginative juices flowing. It was easy to picture myself fighting Darth Vader when I had a lightsaber in my hand.  Wearing my Army camouflage made it feel like I was storming the beaches of Normandy, instead of storming the carpet in my living room.  And I can't tell you how many times I tried to take off into the sky wearing that cape that my mom made me.

Playing dress up is something that you don't get to have many opportunities to do as an adult.  There's an element of silliness to it, and it would lead to a lot of startled glances if I was to show up in my Superman cape to work (my mom has made an updated one that is a little larger, so maybe it won't look so weird after all).  But that silliness is something that we shouldn't shy away from, especially when we're kids.  On Friday evening, Elizabeth and I taught Elliot and Eleanor a very valuable lesson: Every once in awhile, being silly is the absolute best thing you can be.

To illustrate this, when the kids got home from daycare, I greeted them at the door in this:

That's my Superman cape, my Mickey Mouse ears, and my apron (I still had to get dinner ready, no matter how silly we were all being).  Elliot quickly got into it, and there was only one thing that he wanted to wear.  As you can see, it was his dragon costume.

Elizabeth had the great idea of going to the costume racks the day after Halloween last year, and she found really good deals on costumes that were a size ahead of where Elliot was at the time.  The dragon was one of these finds (it's fitting, I think, that the dragon in Pete's  Dragon was named...Elliot).

Elizabeth got into the dress up/silliness by taking up arms against the dragon onslaught (she was pretty fearsome with that sword and shield combo).

Eleanor did her best Erykah Badu impression...

We want to teach our children important lessons, like the difference between right and wrong or to treat others how you would like to be treated.  We to challenge their minds and their hearts and their souls, and help them to grow intellectually and physically and emotionally and spiritually.  We want to create an environment of love and acceptance and happiness.

And sometimes, a part of creating that environment is just being silly.  Elliot loved running around his mom and dad in his dragon costume (Eleanor didn't know quite what to make of all the silliness...I think that deep down, she just wished she could participate more).

Dressing up in silly costumes and laughing at one another was a fantastic way to kick off our weekend.  Who needs to wait for Halloween when you can throw on a cape or a dragon outfit any night of the week and see where adventure can take you.

January 25 - Unplug

Parenting is all about routines (which is exactly how Red describes prison life in The Shawshank Redemption...I haven't actually crawled through a sewage pipe, but many of Ellot and Eleanor's diapers have been close...).  We've gotten into a morning routine where I get up and get ready for work, then I get Elliot up and ready for school.  I try to prep Elizabeth's lunch and Eleanor's bottles, so that way all Elizabeth has to do is get herself and Eleanor ready to go to work and school respectively.  It doesn't always work out that way, and more often than not Elizabeth has to bail me out if I'm running late.  But we're making it work with two, and I'm confident we'll get better at it as the years go on.

Our evening routine is also fairly regimented.  Elizabeth picks up both of the kiddos from school, and I get home and start on dinner.  We all eat around the dinner table (unless it's Friday, and that's movie night in the living room).  Then we alternate between who puts which kid down to sleep (when it's my night for Elliot, Elizabeth gets Eleanor, and vice versa).  Again, there are some variations to this routine, but for the most part, that's what we've worked out.

Something has been creeping into that routine, however, and I've noticed that it's become a bad habit. When I'm cooking dinner or cleaning up afterwards, I end up putting on a video on my phone and zoning out from the rest of the house.  It might be an episode of a show I'm watching on Netflix, or it might be a recap from the news throughout the day, or it might be something from RedLetterMedia's vault of film reviews.  What it definitely isn't is inclusive of my family.

I find that this disconnection extends beyond the videos I watch while I'm in the kitchen and my family is in the playroom or living room.  I'll check emails at the dinner table, or scroll through Facebook while I'm on the couch with the kiddos. It's not something I mean to do, and I am not uninterested with them. However, what starts as a quick glance turns into a distraction.

It's something that I'm sure most of us are guilty of in some way or another.  Having these amazing mini-computers in our pockets means that the entire world is always at our fingertips.  But I think we need to do a better job from time to time on focusing more on the world that is right in front of us. At least, I know that I do.  These habits I've gotten into are cutting me off from the most important people in my lives, and while we all deserve some alone time, there's better times for me to get that.

So last night, I turned off my notifications and signed out of Netflix.  And I just spent time being present and focusing on what the kids and Elizabeth were doing. I'm glad that I did, because I got to witness moments like this:

I didn't get all of the lyrics he was singing (something about an alligator knocking a monkey out of a tree) but Eleanor thought it was hilarious.  He started off his concert by bringing her the two monkeys while she was lying in his bed, and the joy that I saw in her eyes was tremendous.  I could hear her thinking, "I have the coolest brother, and he brought me this monkey, and I will love it forever."

Routines are good to have because they can keep us sane.  But they can also lead to ruts, and I don't ever want to feel like being a dad is equivalent to being stuck in one of those. Not everyone gets the opportunity to be a dad, and I’m the only one that’s gets the opportunity to be a dad to Elliot and Eleanor. That’s something that I don’t want to miss out on because I was too busy watching a video or checking on a Facebook status. Habits are hard to break, but this is one that I’m going to tackle head on.

January 24 - An Interview with Jenn and Eddie

Last night, I rounded out the interviews from the Brooks side of my family with my cousin Eddie and his wife Jenn. Eddie is my mom's next oldest sister's oldest son (got that...and yes, I have a Cousin Eddie), and he works as a kitchen manager at Red Hot & Blue in Raleigh.  Jenn works as a marketing manager for a market research office.  Their daughter, Olivia, will be 15 months old on February 3rd.

How did y'all meet?

Jenn: Plenty of Fish! (Yay Plenty of Fish! That's how Elizabeth and I met!). We both worked a lot, so we decided to try online dating.  And we started by talking about our cats.

Eddie: Yup, we were both managers and both had cats...and it went from there.

Jenn: Our first meal was a chicken parmesan that he made for me.  We flipped over a tote at my apartment because I didn't have any furniture at the time because I had just moved in and was single, and that was our table!

Was having children something you always wanted?

Eddie: Definitely, I've always wanted to be a father, it's something I've always told my friends and family.

Jenn: Absolutely.  It took years for it to happen for us.  But when we finally stopped trying, the Lord blessed us on his time.



How did you pick Olivia's name?

Eddie: This is for Jenn...

Jenn (laughing): He had no say in it.  Before we got married we had our names picked out, and Olivia was always the girls name.  But when we found out about her heart we had to keep faith that things were going to be ok, and that's how she got her middle name.  Olivia Faith.

Jenn and Eddie have gone through something that, thankfully, many parents don't have to go through. 25 weeks in to their pregnancy with Olivia, Jenn had to go in for an echo cardiogram...

Jenn: I got diagnosed with diabetes, so as a precaution we got an echo cardiogram.  One of the side effects when the mother has diabetes is a heart condition for the infant.  I remember that first appointment, I went on my own because I didn't think it was anything, it was just a precaution.  But the technicians in the room were really quiet and they couldn't answer any of the questions that I had.  The doctor came in after awhile and said "Ok, Ms. Brooks, I do see an issue with her heart."

She started using all these big words that went in one ear out the other.  All I heard over and over again was "something wrong with her heart." I broke down, and they actually had to call Eddie to come get me. 

Eddie: I couldn't understand her on the phone because she was so upset.



The doctors had diagnosed Olivia with Tetralogy of Fallot, which was the same condition made famous by Jimmy Kimmel after his son was born.  In fact, the local news heard about Olivia's treatment for it after Jimmy's story broke and did a segment about her (which can be found here).

Jenn: After they diagnosed me I immediately went online.  The doctors had warned me to go to the American Heart Association website only, because the other sites would scare me.  And I found out that there was a 98% success rate for treatment.  I joined a blog about it and started to research it so we was ready for it.



Olivia had to have open heart surgery at 4 months old.  What was that like as a new parent?

Eddie: That was really scary. It was just all completely out of control.

Jenn: I will never forget walking into that room after her surgery and she's just there moaning.  There were tubes hooked up to her, drainage tubes running off every which way.  And there was nothing that I could do. I was totally powerless.

You have to put it in God's hands at that point.  It's just amazing now, because I never thought we'd get through it when we were actually in it. But here we are and she's doing great. That's what I'm thankful for.

She just got cleared in September.  We don't have to go back until March and that was huge.  We were going back every four weeks, so this was a big deal.  They just have to continue to monitor it.  She might have a minor procedure later on but nothing big.  The hard stuff is behind us.



What was it like the first time you held Olivia?

Jenn: It was a c-section, and it was very chaotic because of the heart issue.  The NICU team was there and there were a few more additional people in there than there normally would be.
  
Eddie:We had to kinda wait a little bit before we could hold her because of everything going on with her.

Jenn: But when we finally did it just took my breath away.  I will never forget that feeling of her being placed on my chest and she was breathing on her own.  Her heart was fine at birth, and actually we weren't prepared for it because we thought we weren't going to get that chance.  It was a surprise to us that we got to hold her so quickly.

Eddie: I was on cloud nine.  I'm sitting there and I'm holding my own child, it felt so good.  Just unconditional love.



What has been the most rewarding thing about being a parent?

Jenn: Watching her learn because babies with heart defects usually have delays in their milestones.  She lost a good three months because of it.  Now she's just springing up and coming out of her shell.  She's doing therapy and she's crawling on all fours. She's learn new things, I just love it.

Eddie: I would have to say the same thing. Seeing something new with her every day is rewarding.  Just being that parent and teaching her those things. Because I work at night, I get to stay home with her during the day.  The fact that I get to be a Mr. Mom during the day is a reward for me.

Jenn: Eddie takes her to story time at the library and there's other dads there too.  Eddie will get so excited because he goes into it with other people to talk too.  Sometimes I get jealous of that because he's home with her during the day and I work during the day, so I only get to see her a little bit before she goes to bed.



What has been the most frustrating thing about being a parent?

Eddie: Maybe from my end sometimes I know that we both get tired.  Trying to switch out of our routines or change hands, it can be tough juggling everything. There's times where I have to make delays in my schedule to work around Jenn and Olivia's and that can be stressful.

Jenn: Sometimes I forget we're a married couple because so much revolves around being a parent, and it's not about being a couple.  You still have to be a husband and a wife and not a mommy and a daddy. But it's hard to have a movie night or a date night when there's no family around. I'm learning that I have to put trust in some people. 

But, we do make it work. Every Wednesday is family day, even though we work and have everything else going on we make Wednesday our day. And you look at her face in the backseat and you know you've done something right.  She's just the light in our life.

Eddie: I'm just waiting for that day where she looks up and says "Daddy, I love you."  That's going to be a great day.

Any last words of wisdom?

Jenn: You learn as you go and you pray you get it right.  I've learned so much over the last 15 months.  I've learned more than at any other point in my life. You have to live in the moment and don't sweat the small stuff.

Eddie: Me being Mr. Mom, you can ask Jenn that this is my kryptonite. One day I'm dressing Olivia, and I pick out this cute outfit, and it turns out to be her pajamas. I'm still learning! 

Jenn: At least she had clothes on!



Jenn and Eddie have taken a situation that could have broken another family and turned into something positive.  I can't imagine having to watch your daughter go through something like that, especially when they're so small or when you have no control of the situation.  The two of them, however, handled it with grace, patience, and perseverance, and Olivia will end up just fine thanks in large part to their attitude.  I've said in earlier posts that I judge how parents are doing by how happy their child appears to be. Olivia is always smiling from ear to ear, so I can only take that as a sign that Jenn and Eddie are truly doing a great job.

January 23 - Tryin' out for a scholarshipppp

Working for a university (and an expensive private school at that) has allowed me see first hand how much of a financial struggle it can be when your kids are ready to head off to the hallowed hallways of higher academia. Just looking at the skyrocketing costs of college makes me cringe, as do the statements for my college loans.

I was fortunate enough to get an academic scholarship to the University of Maine at Farmington, and I'll be endlessly thankful for that (I don't get the scholarship, I don't go to that school, I don't get this job, I don't meet my wife, and so on and so on).  I didn't take that scholarship for granted then, and I can't expect that Elliot or Eleanor will get a similar type of award when it's time for them to look at college (if that's the path that they choose). Elizabeth and I don't want to rely on this...

...so yesterday I started a 529 account.

The 529 account is a type of college savings plan.  You put money into it, and depending on your state you can receive tax breaks by doing so.  The money is to be used to fund the beneficiary's education (whether that be at a community college or a trade program or a four year university), and it is tax free when applied to those types of experiences.

There are many different vendors that offer a 529 account.  I went with CFNC (College Foundation of North Carolina), which is a non-profit organization that helps people here in NC with the college admissions process.  They help with planning, applying, and paying for college, which makes it a convenient and easy to use resource for parents navigating these waters for the first time.

Staring a 529 account through CFNC was very easy.  I first had to register with that organization and create an account through them.  Next, I set up who would be the beneficiary of the account (yesterday I set up Elliot's, Elizabeth is going to set up one for Eleanor soon).  A few clicks, and few social security and routing numbers later, and I was done.  It took me less than 5 minutes.

There was a minimum of $25 to start the account, and I set it up to autodraft out of my bank account each month.  There was also the opportunity to set your investment portfolio and to manage the amount of risk that you wanted to take with it.  I went for the "moderate risk track" which will spread my allocations out over several different funds that mirror what I currently have set up for my 401K (I may bump this up to the "aggressive risk track," which I can only assume is betting on the ponies...)

As I was setting up the account, one of the things I had to put down was Elliot's expected enrollment year for college.  After I counted it all out, I came up with the year 2033, which made me pause and look at what I had just typed in wonder.  2033 sounds like a very "future" year. It's a year when we'll have flying cars, a moon base, and an Oasis-like internet system a la Ready Player One.  It's a year when a third of the 21st century will have come and gone, a year when I'll be hurtling towards 50...

And apparently, it's a year when the next generation of Farabees will be considering what to do with their lives and if college is the option for them.  It's easy to think that the the future is so far off, but if these last two and a half years with Elliot (and the last four months with Eleanor) have taught us anything, it's that life moves pretty fast (a lesson Ferris taught me long before now). 2033 will be here before we know it.

We're hopeful that by starting these kinds of plans early, by the time it does get here, we'll be ready for it.