Our ride home from Gastonia on Sunday was a chance for me to do something a little different from the other interviews that I have conducted this month: I called in to a podcast.
I first met Michael when he started working as a Success Coach here at High Point University. We've also run into him, along with his wife Darah, at a Christmas party that we go to each year at a mutual friend's home. It was at the most recent of these parties that we started talking about being fathers. I told Michael that I was planning on doing my annual blog on the topic of parenthood, and he told me that he actually did a podcast on the very same topic. We agreed to participate in each other's projects.
Michael's podcast is called "Daily Dad," and our episode should be up and running soon. In the meantime, this is what we talked about!
What made you want to start up a podcast?
Michael: I wanted to see what people our age thought about parenting. Can you name a TV show that has parents with infants?
Me: No, it's always skips ahead to when the kids are talking (probably for story reasons).
Michael: Exactly. So this is looking at that period of time that hasn't really been represented.
Michael: How would you describe your birth story?
Me: It was very different for each of the kids. Elliot was 10 days late and came after 25 hours of labor. We had wanted to try for a water birth at first...
Michael: ...I've been hearing about that more and more, what made you want to do that?
Me: We had heard that it was easier on the baby and that it was relaxing for the mother. Also, Women's Hospital in Greensboro had rooms large enough where we could do it. But Elliot was face up and pressing on Elizabeth's spine. So the benefits of the relaxing tub were thrown out the window.
We had a c-section in the end. It was exhausting because Elizabeth had been in labor for so long and then we had Elliot. With Eleanor, we opted to have a scheduled c-section in the morning, and it's amazing what a difference that was. We got to have a good night's sleep and then wake up and have her! (I say "we" when really I was just a very interested bystander, Elizabeth did all the work!)
How about yours?
Michael: My wife, Darah, was scheduled to be induced. I wasn't expecting to have to wait so long with it though, I thought getting induced meant that things happened quickly after that. And we ended up having a c-section as well.
I just remember being in the room while they were prepping Darah and it came on suddenly that this was happening. I had to take a step back and get my mind right about that. And I was really surprised they let me bring my phone and camera in. The doctors at one point asked me if I wanted to get my camera out and it was something I hadn't even thought of. They were more concerned with making sure I got a good picture than I was!
Michael and his wife have a 10 month old daughter named Artis Ray.
Me: How did you come up with her name?
Michael: We didn’t know the sex of the baby, so we had they picked two names, one for each sex. But when the doctor showed her to me for the first time I didn't really process what I was looking at. And then I realized what it was and that I was looking at my daughter. And I just remember telling Darah, who hadn't seen her yet, "Hey, it's Artis Ray."
I just remember being in the room while they were prepping Darah and it came on suddenly that this was happening. I had to take a step back and get my mind right about that. And I was really surprised they let me bring my phone and camera in. The doctors at one point asked me if I wanted to get my camera out and it was something I hadn't even thought of. They were more concerned with making sure I got a good picture than I was!
Michael and his wife have a 10 month old daughter named Artis Ray.
Me: How did you come up with her name?
Michael: We didn’t know the sex of the baby, so we had they picked two names, one for each sex. But when the doctor showed her to me for the first time I didn't really process what I was looking at. And then I realized what it was and that I was looking at my daughter. And I just remember telling Darah, who hadn't seen her yet, "Hey, it's Artis Ray."
Michael: What's been the biggest change for you? Or the habit that you've picked up that's different now that you have kids?
Me: I mean, being a parent is a change in every sense of the word. It's not a good change or a bad change, it's just a change. I mentioned this in an earlier blog post, but I don't have the vocabulary to accurately describe the joy I feel by being a dad. That joy has probably been the biggest change, just being appreciative of every day. How about you?
Michael: All of the sudden it’s like nothing else is important in that moment. The biggest change has been that it’s made me more present. Artis Ray lives her life without worrying about what others think and her, and I often want that kind of freedom.
Me: I mean, being a parent is a change in every sense of the word. It's not a good change or a bad change, it's just a change. I mentioned this in an earlier blog post, but I don't have the vocabulary to accurately describe the joy I feel by being a dad. That joy has probably been the biggest change, just being appreciative of every day. How about you?
Michael: All of the sudden it’s like nothing else is important in that moment. The biggest change has been that it’s made me more present. Artis Ray lives her life without worrying about what others think and her, and I often want that kind of freedom.
I always think to myself "WWJD." And by that I mean "What Would Jack Do?" from This Is Us. How do I show up for Artis Ray and Darah and my job and everything so I have uninterrupted time with my family?
Was having kids something that you always wanted?
Was having kids something that you always wanted?
Michael: Being parents wasn't always in the cards for us. For a while we were content with being the best uncles and aunts. The cool couple that nieces and nephews would visit at a lake house or an awesome apartment and then go back home to their parents.
And then life happens and we were both at a point that we were ok with the idea of having children. We had to grow up a little bit and stop being twenty-something. That idea that “I have too much going on to have a kid." I needed to get over that belief that I was too busy for that part of life.
And then life happens and we were both at a point that we were ok with the idea of having children. We had to grow up a little bit and stop being twenty-something. That idea that “I have too much going on to have a kid." I needed to get over that belief that I was too busy for that part of life.
With that said, I did always see myself as being somebody’s dad. And it’s amazing that I’m Artis Ray's dad, because she’s what I imagined when I thought of who I'd be a dad for.
Michael: What do you want to be different in the world when your kids are older?
Me: I'd like for us to have figured out that we're killing the planet and by that time we've done things to stop it. But I'd also like to see reason and rationality come back to discourse. I feel like we're so divided now that you can't have a conversation with someone you disagree with without it blowing up into something heated. What about you?
Michael: I want folks to be a little more autonomous in their lives. It’s interesting that we have conversations about how Facebook can be twisted to push an election, that social media is such a driving force in our lives. I want people to be a little more thoughtful and more independent.
We're living in a divisive time, but it's one where women are having a moment of empowerment and the pendulum is definitely swinging in a positive direction. What is is like for you to be raising a woman, and a woman of color at that?
Michael: I have this feeling about Artis Ray already that she’ll be able to do anything she wants to do in the world. When we were having a baby, and even before that, I always wanted to have a daughter first. In a society where they have pressure put on them to be a certain way, I was lucky to have Darah that she could luck up to.
It’s given a me different perspective on things. I’m more interested in the world that I’m helping to build for Artis Ray. I've started reading more, and I want to travel and let her experience things. But I also want to take time to just pause. It’s not all about making sure she’s challenged. It’s also about just being there for her.
What's been the most surprising thing for you about being a dad?
Michael: How easy it was to let go of my ego. I appreciate the time I get to spend with her early in the morning. If she needs something it’s not about me. And it’s helped me see how people communicate.
Michael: What was your favorite book or story that you were excited to read to your kids? Like, what's the one where they pick it out you get excited about reading it?
Me: My favorite children's book has always been Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel, by Virginia Lee. So when he asks for that one or points that out, it's special to read that to him.
Michael: Any advice you’d give to first time parents, or parents that are relatively new at this and are thinking about having another one?
Oh, and buy a nose frida! Those things are great!
The conversation with Michael was easy and fun and insightful. I had a great time being a guest on his podcast (a first for me), and I'm excited to listen to it when it airs. I think the best thing about our conversation was hearing from another dad that's going through the same experience that I am, and being able to talk to him about it. His outlook on being a father is very similar to my own, and having that kind of affirmation from someone that I think is doing a great job as a parent is comforting.
We left the podcast/interview by saying that we hoped we would run into each other before the next Christmas party, and I truly hope that we do. I'd like for Elliot and Eleanor to meet Artis Ray. From our brief interactions, I can tell that she's got a couple of great parents in her c
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