January 9 - An Interview with Amy

Last night I got the chance last night to talk with one of my cousins who has had a parenting experience that is quite different from the one that Elizabeth and I have had.  And that's because she's done this all on her own. 

Amy is the oldest daughter of my mom's oldest sister (got that?).  Amy's younger sister is Denise, who I interviewed last week.  She has three sons: Riley, who will be 20 in May; Connor, who will be 15 in May; and Ian, who will be 6 in February.  She was 23 when she had Riley, 28 when she had Connor, and 36 when she had Ian.  Amy has raised the boys largely on her own.



How did you pick their names?

Amy: I dreamed about Riley's name and the next day I saw it in a magazine.  I thought to myself "Well that's it!" It was going to be the same for a boy or a girl, just with different middle names.

With Connor I had other names chosen and the one I really liked was Blaine, but it just didn't work with the last name.  I had settled on Liam, but his paternal grandfather couldn't say it at all.  Someone brought me a baby name book at the hospital, and I knew it had to be Irish to match Riley.  Chris, Connor's father, suggested the name Connor.  I was so tired and had a very long labor with him that when it came down to it I just landed on that.

Ian is actually Sidney Ian.  All of the first born males on his father's side are named Sidney, so there's a lot of history with it..  His dad agreed we would call him Ian to stick with his Irish roots.

Lars: I remember when you were pregnant with Riley you were mentioning how you had to think about how it matched up with his last name.  Adam was in the mix, but then it was "Adam Dumm...a dum dum"  And that was the first time I realized, "Oh wow, that's something that you have to consider!"

Was having children something you always wanted?

Amy: Yes, oh God yes.  I didn't really play with Barbies and dolls and all that, but I did a lot of babysitting and I just figured I was going to have 16 kids (again, our grandmother had 10, so big families are what we are used to).  They were all unplanned, but never were mistakes.  They were gifts, all of them.

I remember when I found out about Riley, I wasn't devastated but was nervous about how to tell the younger cousins.  I wasn't married so I knew that would be a big deal, but it all worked out.



What has it been like being a single mom?

Amy: It's been a struggle.  I have friends that tell me they don't know how I do it.  But I have friends that have had lost a partner or gotten divorced and I almost think that's harder.  Ian's father did stick around awhile, and that was hard because I was almost used to doing it all on my own.  I just don't know how to do it any differently.  I think it would be harder to be co-parent and then lose that.

Riley's dad still talks with Riley, and I have a good relationship with his dad's wife (also named Amy). He kinda came in late but he picked up the ball and ran with it.  They could be closer but Riley has gotten to have a father figure.  He'll drive out there and go and see him, they talk, it's gotten a lot better than it was.

Connor's dad was there when he was born but they don't really have a relationship anymore which is sad and Connor has some choice words to describe his father.  Connor loves male attention.  I don't know if you saw it at the holiday party (my family had a big gathering over the holidays), but he would walk up to the older guys (my cousins and uncles) and talk to them and seek them out, and he loves that male camaraderie.

Connor's staff sergeant at ROTC has really bonded with him.  So there are men in his life that have filled in for that thing he's missing.  He's gone out in search of his own little surrogate for that.



What was it like the first time you held Riley?

Amy: I was afraid I was going to break him.  I was amazed and I couldn't believe that I had a part of that.  A fear set in that I was going to do everything wrong.  He was my smallest child.  I was like "Wow, now I'm responsible for him can i do this, instantly started praying



What has been the most rewarding thing about being a parent?

Amy: I think just watching their accomplishments.  We always want better for our kids than what we had or what we did .  I did well in school but didn't finish college.  I kept saying "I'll go back, I'll finish it."  But things kept getting in the way and life happened. 

I clean houses now, I have a cleaning service.  God decided that I needed to be a mom, and this lets me spend more time with them and make some money.  My kids ask if that''s what I always wanted to do, and I say no, I wanted to be a lawyer. But this is just something that I do to be there for my kids.

When I see them doing what's socially correct and what's right for them, I high five myself. Whatever I've done or not done in their lives, I've tried to give them as much insight as I could.  And I tried to rely on family too to help provide guidance.  I told them stories about what everyone else was doing so they could see what was possible.

Riley got it in his head somewhere along the way, and Connor started doing it too, and I think they're becoming more responsible for how they're turning out than I am.  Riley is doing great at ECU now, and Connor is going on mission trips and was the president of a christian athletes club at school.  He's competitive, and it's like he's trying to outdo Riley.

To see them reaching their goals and being accountable...it's like, ok, they got this.



Was it tough when Riley left for school?  How has it been with just two at home now?

Amy: Wow... those are questions that have lots of emotional, rational and irrational responses. And both questions kind of intertwine.

Riley leaving for college was a exciting, scary, anxiety ridden, and ridiculously awesome. It wasn't tough for me to watch him move on to the next chapter in his life...though I have worried about him on so many levels everyday since August 18, 2016. I had to train myself not to call or text because I didn't want to bother him. And he didn't call much. In fact I threatened to stop paying his cell phone bill if he couldn't check in every so often or return an occasional call!

But ultimately I knew he was ok...I just felt it. However, what was difficult was now being a household of three. We all miss Riley for different reasons. But he was the peace maker between Connor and Ian who have argued and fought since Ian was 2ish. Riley also covered for his brothers when it came to chores. Whether it was because he wanted to be helpful to me by having things done when I got home or because he didn't want to hear me gripe, he was a big help.

I have told him many times that I did not realize just how much he did until he had left for school and that I truly appreciate all that he did. He did a heck of a lot...AND he helped run errands or carted the boys to different events that just had to be at the same exact time. Dag...just picking up "whatever" on the way home to save me a trip was great. Plus I just miss talking to him, knowing he is in the house, hearing him breath if he fell asleep on the couch, his quirks.

Its a bit more difficult with just two boys at home. Yes due to the above reasons though we have recently reassigned family contributions and chores. (Connor is stepping up a bit more as the Guy of the House...I don't call them "man of the house" so they don't assume too much from the role. Ian has more responsibilities too).  But it has been the brotherly war that has been maddening. Dee and I never fought and bickered or name called like these two!

I guess the age difference between them causes issues, I think, as well as the "boredom factor".  And everyone thinks their situation or event or need is most important. Again, we're back to only one taxi in the house now. But Connor will soon be driving. Then I won't have to worry about the feuds. He is so on the go now, I will NEVER see him when he can drive himself.

PS: Car keys are a great incentive for desired behavior and interactions..a parent's BEST "take away." It's my favorite,  along with the cell phone battery!

Any last words of wisdom?

Amy: There's no manual, you just make it up as you go along.  We are all going to make mistakes, and we have to forgive ourselves for that and just move forward.  There's a lot of times where you think "did I really do that?" and life is going to throw you curve balls, and you just gotta go with it.

My spirit animal is a frog, I might bump my butt along the way but I just gotta keep hopping.  If you believe in a higher power or whatever it is, if you use that to raise your kids in goodness, and make sure that they know what's good and what's kind, then things will be alright. Kindness is love with it's work boots on.  

Hearing Amy talk about her kids, you could tell she that she would spend hours just doing that. She's so proud of them and what they are accomplishing.  Her perspective on everything is interesting, particularly because I would have had such a hard time doing what she's done.  I rely on Elizabeth so much, I can't imagine doing it on my own.  But doing it on her own is all Amy has known, and changing that routine would have been hard for her.

Amy's final words of wisdom from last night has already manifested itself in our own home.  Elliot is becoming more and more independent each day, wanting to do things on his own and getting frustrated when try to help.  "Be ready for it," Amy said, "because they won't want to be anywhere near you for awhile.  And then they'll be taller than you are and then they'll want to sit in your lap."