As I've mentioned in previous projects over the years, my mom is one of 10 children. The Brooks family is massive, numbering over 100 people at the time of this writing. Because of this, when thinking about who I could ask to talk about parenting, I had a lot of fantastic options. In fact, if I asked all of them for an interview then I'd need several months worth of blogs just on that alone.
For the first interview of The Parenthood Month, I called Doug and Denise House. Denise is the youngest daughter of my mother's oldest sister (got that?), and she and Doug have been married for 16 years (Doug was quick to point out they would be celebrating their 17th anniversary in March). They met through a mutual friend when Doug got invited to Denise's house by chance to watch a...
Denise: WWE wrestling match (she laughs at this)
Doug: Not one of my prouder moments.
They've been together since then, and now have two children, Makayla (13) and Davis (10).
Was having children something you both always wanted?
Doug: Having children was always something that was in the cards, for sure...
I also have to say that going off of your post last night, I got a piece of Chiclets gum stuck in my nose when I was little and had to go to the ER. My mom couldn't get it out after trying everything, but at the ER I was able to finally blow it out.
It's nice to know we weren't the only ones...
You've got a teenager now, what's that like?
Denise: It's pretty cool actually. She's smart and funny and she gets things. You can't talk around her anymore, she picks up on what you're trying to avoid saying. She is a lot of fun, it's like having another adult around a lot of the time. It's a whole other level of child.
Doug: She's still a little naive on things, and it makes it awesome because she still follows our lead.
Denise: She tests us a little bit, but once you preface it with an "I'm not joking" then she straightens up.
What was it like the first time you held each of them?
Denise: I was a C-section both times, and the first time I held them was not fantastic, I didn't do well with the anesthesia, so it was hard holding them. But I do remember the first thing I said when I saw Makalya was "Oh my gosh, she looks just like you!" meaning Doug. She looked just like him, to the point where I didn't think I'd done anything to create this baby.
Doug: She was tiny. I was nervous. I never really held a baby at all so that was nerve-wracking. I was this mix of cautious and nervous and excited.
Denise: Davis was the chubbier one...
Doug: He was a fully formed baby.
What is something you wish you'd known before you became parents?
Denise: For me, I heard people say all the time "hold 'em you can spoil 'em." See, I wasn't nervous about bringing her home because I had babysat, I had changed diapers, I had held a baby, I was ok with that.
I did overly enjoy napping with her and holding her and not putting her down after feeding her. But that got to the point where I couldn't do anything because I was just holding her all day. I even got to a point where I couldn't wait for Doug to get home either. As soon as he got home, I had to go!
Doug: There were times where I'd come home from working a shift and get handed a baby and she was out the door.
Denise: It took a visit to Aunt Eileen's house with my mom and getting encouragement from them, like a pep talk. I needed someone to help me break that cycle. I didn't know then and I realize it now that PPD can affect you in many different ways, and I needed that pep talk to get my head together.
Doug: I think it was hard on me at that point because I would hold Makayla and she'd cry because I wasn't Denise. I smell different, I feel different, and she's used to Denise so I made her cry.
Me: I know that feeling. I'd come home and Elliot wanted to be with his mom, which I don't blame him for at all, I'd much rather be with her too! But he was used to being around her, and that was a hurdle I had to get over.
What has been the most frustrating thing about being a parent?
Denise: What I find frustrating is that you will parent differently than their friend's parents. For example, our kids wear helmets, and most of their friends don't.
Doug: For anything with wheels.
Denise: That's been tough to explain why your rules are your rules, and why they have to follow them and why other kids don't have to follow them.
Doug: Learning how to reason with your child. Trying to get them to understand why we do a certain thing the way we do.
Denise: But at the same time, we also like to say "Because I said so." And we've learned that instead of asking them to do something, you tell them to do it. We've learned to stop asking and learned to give them a firm direction.
What has been the most rewarding thing about being a parent?
Doug: Watching them turn into little tiny people. Watching them grow, and watching them think...sometimes...
Makayla is five years away from college and it seems like yesterday she was just born. Day by day, minute by minute, it's just really cool.
Denise: It goes back to the saying "Don't forget who you are and who you belong to." Someone will come up to us and say, "Your kid has the best manners" and I'll think "WHAT?!" You hope your kids are better acting to others than they are at home. It's really rewarding to hear teachers and other parents comment on how well behaved the kids are. It makes your heart smile. You hope the effort you put into these fundamental years shines through later.
Was there a moment where you first thought "Yeah, I can do this!"?
Doug: For me, we came home from the hospital and this one time Makayla slept for a five hour stretch. That made me feel like "Ok, I can do this, this is gonna work." I remember waking up, and it was light outside, and I thought "We did it!"
Denise: I don't know that I was ever worried about not making it work, I don't have a defining moment. From that weekend with my mom and my aunt on, I knew we weren't going back to where we were when it was difficult.
What's a mistake that you think a lot of parents make?
Denise: My biggest one that I think parents make, and you'll start seeing this too, is when they don't own up to when their child does something wrong.
Doug: Amen, I'm right there with you.
Denise: I want you to tell me if my child did something wrong because I will tell you if yours did.
Doug: Without making up an excuse or having it escalate. Be adults about it.
Denise: Everybody's child does something wrong, and I can't stand when someone is blind or chooses not to acknowledge that. They need to learn how to work through it. And that's our job, and we should be able to effectively communicate that.
Both Makayla and Davis are very active. Makayla does dance and has started teaching classes in it, while Davis has played on a couple of travel sports teams.
Competitive and travel sports...how did that come about?
Doug: Davis never really asked about travel sports, it just sort of happened with baseball to start. It was young too, with the U7 program. And someone approached us about it, you had to be selected. And then you had to make the commitment financially and time wise.
Denise: It's tough as a parent because kids are starting earlier and earlier, so you don't want to put your child behind.
Doug: That's why we chose not to play baseball anymore because we feel like Davis was getting burned out and was ready for a change. (Davis now plays on a travel basketball team.)
Denise: We have always tried to encourage them to be well rounded athletes and to do a lot of different things.
Any last words of wisdom?
Denise: We have always talked to our children like they're adults. We gave clear directions. We tried to be proper in conversations. I think that worked to our benefit. We still correct grammar: "You can't say that," or "two negatives can't go in one sentence," things like that. We're still old school with punctuation and grammar and all that.
Doug: Manners too, it's big. That's a big pet peeve of mine when kids don't have manners, and it carries over to everything else.
Denise: It's kind of odd, but something we are trying to improve on is having them acknowledge adults.
Doug: Or the senior member in the room, go greet the adults as soon as you walk into a room or a gym or wherever.
Denise: Reinforce respect for your elders. It's something that we saw slipping so we're trying to clamp back down on it. It's always evolving, and it's our job as parents to direct them.
Doug: We do a lot of pep talks on the way to places to set expectations.
Denise: And right before they leave the house for the day. We always tell them be the best Makayla you can be today, be the best Davis you can be today.
I heard a lot of my own parents in what Doug and Denise had to say (which is not surprising as we're from the same family). They're about 10 years down the line from us, so learning from their experiences will be helpful as Elizabeth and I continue on our own parenting adventure.
In speaking with them, the idea of setting expectations was one that rang very true for me. Doug and Denise make sure that their kids know what's expected of them in any given situation. Not in a stern, disciplinary way, but in a constructive way that provides guidelines for them. I also liked that they used the concept of expectations to give Makayla and Davis a boost of confidence as they went out into the world ("Be the best YOU you can be today"). That's one I'm definitely going to have to steal as Elliot and Eleanor get older.
Makayla and Davis are great kids, and that's because they have great parents. It was comforting to hear a lot of my ideas about parenting reaffirmed by talking to Doug and Denise. They, like all parents, aren't perfect, but they're committed to each other and to their family in a way that sets quite the example. It's an example that I hope we're able to follow.
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