January 27 - An Interview with Charlie

I've been beyond fortunate to have married my wife, Elizabeth.  Now, I won't bore you with the sappy details or dwell on the fact that every day brings with it another reason to be thankful that she said yes.  But one of the big reasons are the people we got to see on on Saturday, her "second family," the Saunders.

Consisting of Charles and Sarah and their four children (David, Charlie, CJ, and John Sharpe), the Saunders family have been incredibly loving and gracious to us over the years.  CJ is Elizabeth's best friend and was her matron of honor in the wedding.  She's also Elliot's godmother, and we love every chance that we get to see her and the rest of her amazing family.

They're all wonderful people, but it was Charlie that I wanted to specifically talk to when we visited, and that's because of the year that she has gone through with her boys, Ian and John Theron.

How did you and your husband (Ward) meet?

Charlie: I met ward at UNCW. Ward and my friend's boyfriend, Trevor, were good friends. And through that that relationship, Ward came into the picture. And it just became the four of us, we just did everything together.

Ward was pretty quiet if you didn’t know him. and so am I, we were kind of wallflowers. So it took awhile for things to get going.  We started dating in 2000, our first date was going out to lunch together.  And we got married in 2005. Ian was born in 2007 and JT was born in 2010.

How did you come up with their names?

Charlie: Ian is named after Ward, who's Julian Ward Godwin III. And he knew that his first son was going to be the fourth.  I thought, "Ok, but what are we gonna call him?"  And I was staring at the name and the last three letters popped up at me, so I thought "Ian, we'll call him Ian."  And Ward thought that was great.

JT came from that with my dad's name.  He goes by Charles but his first name is John, and I've always liked that name.  Theron came from a Star Wars novel that Ward was reading (Ward was a HUGE Star Wars fan).  I was a little skeptical because of that, but I did some research and it has a Greek background, it means hunter in Greek. And I thought "Ward is Greek and a hunter" and it all made sense.

What has been the most rewarding thing about being a parent?

Charlie: That first month was hard. Ward was working third shift so I was home alone a lot. Right at that month mark something clicked. I was still trying to wrap my head around all of this, and Ian grinned and that’s when I knew we could make this work. That was the moment that I felt like a mom.

What has been the most frustrating thing about being a parent?

Charlie: For me, it’s myself. My reaction to some of the things that they do. How do I say it...taking it a step further than I should have. Why did I go to yelling right away? Whatever behavior they have, my reaction will impact them down the line, and I have to remind myself of that and question why I react certain ways.

What was it like the first time you held them?

Charlie: Weird (we both laugh at this).  Ian was the first so especially with him, it was just weird.  I kept thinking "This is real...holy mackerel!" And just the anxiety that came with it.  Holding JT was easier, I could appreciate it more.

What's something that you'd like to pass along from your parents?

Charlie: Dad always wanted us to do what we wanted to do.  That meant staying far away from the family business if we didn't want to be a part of that.  He wanted us to be happy and to follow our dreams, and I want the boys to have that environment too.

My mom always instilled in us the need to look out for yourself and prepare for not being helped. As a woman, you don’t expect extra help, you need to find strength from within. She taught me how to take care of myself. Being strong, I want to pass that along to the boys.

Now going through being a single mom, I’ve have to rely on that.

As I mentioned at the start, this year has been a hard one to say the least for Charlie and her boys and her family.  On March 15, 2017, their "one man brute squad" passed away.  Ward was 38 years old.

I was honored last year to have been asked to officiate Ward's service, because he was an easy person to admire.  Ward was a giant of a man, with an even larger heart. and he was a bit of a nerd, particularly with Star Wars. And I don't mean that as a slight against him.  In fact, I've heard it said that being a nerd is actually just about loving the things that you love in an all-encompassing, all-consuming and passionate way.  And in that regard, Ward wasn't just a Star Wars nerd, he was also a nerd for his children and for his wife.

So you're a single mom now...

Charlie: Yes, March 15th is when he died, so we're coming up on a year with this.  And I don’t really have a choice with it.  People ask me all the time, "How do you get up in the morning?" Because of the kids. You just do it. Some days are easier than others. Some days hit you like a ton of bricks.

Ward was an amazing dad. Every bit about this sucks and that they are here without him sucks the most. But knowing the kind of dad he was inspires me to be the mom I am. Knowing him made me a better mom.

I’m starting to pick up behaviors that will trigger something in the boys.  I mean, they're boys, they're kids, and the day after Ward they were in their room laughing and playing.  But I can see when something is on the horizon, or I know now what might trigger a memory or set them off.  And instead of trying to hide from that or ignore it, I say "Let’s try to enjoy this like dad would have enjoyed it. Let’s find the joy in it."  

And then I think "What are you going to be like with a teenager?!" and that just freaks me out!

What do you regret that he won’t see the most?

Charlie: So far it's been this whole year of firsts that have been really hard to take.  Their first bike ride, losing their first tooth, little things like that. And every time that happens, it’s like "Man, he missed that too."  And there's all these bigger moments coming up.  First kisses, first loves.  Ian is going to sleep away camp for the first time soon.  And graduations and weddings (if that's something they want).  All of that.

I still feel him around somewhere though.  Ian had surgery and when he came out of it he said "I saw my dad."  And he hadn’t told me that before, he hadn't said something like that to me before.  So that just makes me think that yeah, somewhere, Ward's still with us.

Has there been anything in particular that you've tried to do to help the kids with all of this?

Charlie: We talk about him a lot and any time they bring him up I try to let it happen and not ignore it or get sad about it. I want to be there in the moment instead of bypassing the conversation.  Their feelings are real. Kids are resilient but they have deep feelings and those feelings are valid. And I’ve been trying to let them work through it.

There have been times where I do just need a moment, and life is chaotic. But when they bring him up it’s time to just turn all that off and focus on them and what they're going through.  I try to be what Ward would have been or what we would have been together.

Any last words of advice or wisdom?

Charlie: I still don’t know how I’m doing! Each day is a new day and the kids are so different.  But the biggest things is to just be present.

Talking with Charlie on Saturday night made me want to hold my own family a little closer, and it made me appreciate what we have.  I can't imagine going through what Charlie has over the last year, and I can't fully comprehend all that she has lost. 

However, I do know that she hasn't lost her positive outlook or her desire to be the best mom she can be for her two boys.  And her family, those wonderful Saunders, have been nothing but supportive through all of this.  Because of them, and because of Charlie, Ian and John Theron may grow up without having their dad around them every day, but they will still be surrounded by the love he had for them.