January 15 - Dad Jokes!

I come from a long line of sarcastic, quipy people, and as such, I love jokes.  And I have a huge soft spot for the groaners, the punny comments that elicit a very self-aware chuckle.  The dad jokes.

Yesterday, I posed a question on my Facebook thread to invite people to share their favorite dad jokes.  And here they are (I’d tell you a German joke, but it’s the wurst…):

A guy walks into a bar carrying a piece of asphalt. He goes up to the bartender and says: I'll take two beers. One for me and one for the road.

Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

(When driving by a cemetery) - Say people are just dying to get in there.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness.

What is Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking...JK, Rolling.

I need to visit the eye doctor because I don’t see myself going back to work today!

Confucius say man who pass gas in church sit in his own pew.

Confucius also say man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Two peanuts were walking down the road. One was a salted.

Why don't you give Elsa a balloon? She'll let it go.

How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face.

What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowtin.

Pizza shop asks if they want pizza cut into 6 or 8 pieces. Customers says, 6 please, I can’t eat 8.

If they call it a meteorite when it hits the earth, what do they call it when it misses? A meteorWRONG.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino!

Why don't cannibals like to eat clowns? They taste funny.

What’s the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station, and one is a busty crustacean!”

What’s a fish say when it hits a wall? Dam.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nach-yo cheese.

Why do chicken coops have two doors? If they had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory, ‘cause I took a couple days off.

What do call a dog in the sun? A hot dog!!! What do you call a dog in the shade? A chilly dog!!!!

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? R? No...it be the C they love!

Skeleton walks into a bar. Asks for a drink and a mop.

Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!

Why did the chili pepper get in a fight? He was jalapeno face!!!

How can you tell how big a chili peppper is? "Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now."

What time do you go to the dentist? Tooth thirty

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender said I’m sorry we don’t serve food here.

How do you make a Kleenex dance ? Put a little boogie in it.

How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You follow his Fresh Prince!

Proton walks into a bar and says he lost his keys. Bartender says are you sure? "I'm positive"

Five out of four people admit they’re bad at fractions.

What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-naaaaa!

Whiteboards…they're remarkable.

The invention of the shovel was really groundbreaking.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s OK, he woke up.

Did you hear about the man who had the entire left side of his body amputated? He's all right now.

What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

What do call a guy/girl with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt

What do call a guy/girl with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Art.

What do call a guy/girl with no arms and no legs in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.

What do call a guy/girl with no arms and no legs in the middle of the pool? Bob.

What do call a guy/girl with no arms and no legs leaning up against a wall? Ilene.

Where do all plumbers in the world live? FLUSHING, New York.

What kind of overalls does Mario wear? DENIM DENIM DENIM.

Why did the scarecrow win a medal? He was out-standing in his field.

Child "Mommy, Mommy, what was that loud noise and why is daddy running away??" Mother..."Shut up and hand me some more shotgun shells"

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillow? Its making headlines!

What did Mario say to Peach when he broke up with her? It's not you, it's a me Mario

Then there’s the whole treasure trove of “dad responses” to common questions and situations. Like…

Response to someone asking him “Are you alright?” - “Nope, I’m half left.”

When a kid says “I’m Hungry”…"Hi hungry, I'm Friday. Come over Saturday and we'll have a Sundae." (The “I’m ___” has always been a favorite of mine).

Mom: "Greg, do we have any matches left"
Dad: "I haven't had a match since Superman died"

When told that your nose is running “Well, I better go catch it!”

My dad is the king of these last kind of "dad jokes"...

• He regularly replies to the checkout person at the store, when asked, "Did you find everything ok?", "I didn't know you were hiding things!"
• A clerk at a store said to him, as he was leaving, to "Have a nice day."  My dad, eyes blazing, replied, "Don't you tell me what to do!"

The first time he said the latter, I was mortified. Soon after that, I started using the "I didn't know you were hiding things" line at the grocery store.  We become our parents without even realizing it's happening.

As I've said, I have always loved these jokes, and from the looks of the posted question yesterday, a lot of people do too.  They're easy to remember, simple to tell, and hard not to smile at, even when that smile is accompanied by a groan or a hand to the forehead. 

They also have the ability to connect us with our parents and their parents before them.  Some of the best jokes I've heard come from my Papa, and he passed them on to my Dad who passed them along to me.  And now, I'll get to pass them on to Elliot and Eleanor.  They'll groan and roll their eyes, I'm sure.  But hopefully they'll laugh too.