January 7 - An Interview with Gabe and Michelle

For the second interview this month, I asked a couple that is in some ways in a similar situation to Elizabeth and I. They have a one and a half year old that splits the difference between Elliot and Eleanor, and they got married about 5 months before Elizabeth and I did.  In many other ways, however, their story is very much unlike ours.  And that's because they are a military family.

There are actually several military families that fall under the Brooks family umbrella, and two of my cousins are now on active duty and deployed overseas.  Paul is in Iraq and has twin boys with his wife, Jessica. Gabe is in Afghanistan, while his wife Michelle and their daughter, Adalyn, are now in El Paso, Texas.

I decided to interview Gabe and Michelle because of the closeness in age between our children and their little girl.  Gabe is the oldest child of my mother's younger sister (got that?), and he met Michelle in Athens, GA while they were students at the University of Georgia.  Gabe had just gotten back from basic training, and he was getting ready to transfer into UGA.  They met through a mutual friend...

Michelle: He's actually in the background in some of my pictures before he went to basic training. We just hadn't met yet!



How did you pick Adalyn's name?

Michelle: It just evolved.  I liked the name Adaline.  And Adalyn just came from that.  I liked how it was different but not totally off the wall.

Gabe: We kind of liked the endings that sound like "n." We liked that kind of name and we played around a few and once we said it that was it.



Was having children something you both always wanted?

Michelle: We both wanted kids, absolutely..

Gabe: Yes,  and we plan for more, and that's where we might disagree (they both laugh). I had a strong feeling it was a girl.

Michelle: I was sick as a dog so I knew it was a girl.  No body in my family has boys so we would have been the odd ball out if we had a boy!




What was it like the first time you held your daughter?

Michelle: Amazing. There's no other way to describe.  I had a c-section so Gabe got to hold her first. One of the anesthesiologists took our first family picture.  I'll never forget that.

Gabe: I definitely didn't know how to feel.  Between seeing my wife cut open and then holding Adalyn.  I was kinda shocked at witnessing this new life right in front of me.  It was surreal.




Was there a moment where you first thought "Yeah, I can do this!"?

Gabe: Honestly I kinda felt nervous but never felt overwhelmed.  I felt more of a lightbulb situation when I had to make a decision on what direction that I wanted to take to my family.  Making the decision to go active duty and pursue a career that may take me away more, that was when I thought we'd be ok.  After the 6 weeks of basic I felt like we could make this work.

There's also a time when you've been with your child for 24/7, you learn them pretty fast.  There was definitely a time when I thought I knew my child better than anyone else.  There are people that try to have their say and impose their ideas.  When youi've had all that time with your child, I felt like we knew exactly was up with her and didn't want to hear what others had to say.  I think every parent has that feeling that nobody else knows your child more than you.

What is something you wish you'd known before you became parents?

Michelle: How much of a sponge they are!  They'll listen to you and do everything you do.

Gabe: I wish I knew how to be a better parent by myself.  Marriage is a team, a compromise, but they never tell you what to expect when you're by yourself.  I worked shift work a lot at the hospital and then I became a police officer.  Michelle and I worked a lot of opposite shifts so we did things on opposite schedules.  I was left with Adalyn a lot, so I had to learn to do a lot of things by myself.



This is where things start getting very, very different from my own experience as a parent.  Gabe had been in the National Guard, and decided to go active duty last year.  He was deployed to Afghanistan two months ago, and he won't get back until June.

About a month before his deployment, Gabe moved from where his family was living in Georgia out to El Paso, Texas, as that was the base where he was assigned.  Michelle just moved to El Paso with Adalyn last week, so she's still getting her bearings in a new city with new people.

Gabe tries to Skype with Adalyn and Michelle at least once a day, and can often do so more than that.

What has been the most frustrating thing about being a parent?

Michelle:  It's been hard having Gabe away.  I try to make sure to reference him all the time when I talk to Adalyn.  It's not "my room" or "my bathroom."  It's "our room," "our bathroom," or "that's your daddy's."  That way she knows that it's not just me, he's still here, he's just not here.

It's been hard because she asks for him and asks where he's at.  I tell her that "Daddy's working," and that we'll get to talk to him soon.  But she's figuring things out so fast.  It's been especially hard these past couple of weeks with the move.

Gabe: I'd definitely say to relate it all back to being separated, watching her grow over the phone. Not being there to have an influence.  Any phone time I get is just to watch her, I don't get the time to really parent or shape her, I just don't want to waste the time I have when I get to see her.  I've been gone almost a year now in different spurts.  In just one week, she'll do something that shows how great of a mother Michelle is.  And I can only watch it.  That's really tough.



How do you like El Paso?

Michelle: I had come in October with Gabe, so I felt better coming this time.  Gabe's dad (my uncle, Diego) came to help get the house livable.  We went to church this morning and it's really similar to the one back home, so that was comforting.  I'm joining a military wives support group, so that'll be good too.

Gabe: I was there for about a month before I got here.  I went out before them so I could feel things out, I didn't want to just up and move us out there without knowing what we were getting ourselves into.  I knew the chance of deployment was very real.



What's the hardest doing it on your own?

Michelle: I constantly have a mental to-do list.  Making sure that I'm taken care of and she is and our dog is.  It's having to assume responsibility for everything.  Gabe gave me a binder of basically our life, numbers I would need to call or things that we need to follow up on or get or take care of.  It's a lot.



What has been the most rewarding thing about being a parent?

Michelle: Seeing her grow up in general.  It's crazy how fast she grows. She's learning manners, and teaching those kind of things have been great.  "Mama help please!" and she's started saying thank you on her own, that's pretty cool

Gabe: Watching a child develop right in front of you. Just the other day we were Skyping and Adalyn was holding the TV remote, and you could see how she put it together that the remote connected to the TV and she was pushing buttons and seeing if it did anything on the TV.  Knowing you had some influence on that is great.



Any last words of wisdom?

Michelle:  I think routine is key.  She's used to being in "school" and having a routine and moving through the day that way.  I stopped working right before the Christmas break.  Without a routine it would have been a lot harder.  We go visit the park and do activities in her room that kind of mimic 

her room.  She's going part time about ten minutes from our house.  It reminds me of where she went to school in Georgia. 

I had a little less than two months of maternity leave, so I'm actually not working now.  I'm looking forward to it now because I didn't really get to have that time with her. I'm excited for more time with her.

Gabe: I think compromise and communication is key.  We communicate really well.  Being away has been harder to convey your intent.  When we are together we both figure out what works. But over the phone that doesn't happen.  It's more about enjoying each others presence when we get to talk on the phone.  You don't get to discuss what's working well, it's just hard to have that parenting influence.



Gabe and Michelle are making this whole parenting while being world's apart thing work as best as they can.  It's not always easy, and there are better days than others.  But you can tell in the smiles that Adalyn makes, and the way that she lights up when she sees her Dada on the screen, that they're doing a great job. Michelle says that Adalyn knows the Skype sound now, and that she comes running when she hears it because she knows that it's Gabe on the other end of the line.

I can't imagine what it's like to be that far away from your family, and the feeling like you're missing out on something major.  Michelle is a rockstar with all of this, and I know I wouldn't be able to do what she's done half as well. It's a sacrifice for all of them, but it's one that has an end date, and that's a date that gets closer each and every day.  Cross your fingers and hope that June somehow speeds up and gets here quicker.